The Truth is in the Testing

Lately I have been tossing around the idea of cutting things off with LL3, I don’t have pressing reason to do so, but I am trying to head off any pain and suffering. Of course, this is a lot easier said than when I’m actually with him and having a good time. Yesterday was a case in point when we went to his house after work. After a romp session we lounged in bed for hours watching TV and talking.

Among topics of conversation was our first meeting, what we first thought of each other, and family stories. Throughout our conversation, neither of us ever mentioned anything about us or how we feel about each other, or more specifically where this is going. I had really planned to bring it up while hanging out, but there is never an appropriate moment and I really hate to be one of those girls who say “We need to talk.”

So part of me just wants to end things now, while I still have my dignity and my heart intact, and another part really wants to see what’s next and enjoy it while it lasts. I think both sides of me are right, but as I look for any indication of LL3’s feelings I can’t help but think about what he mentioned in casual conversation the other day.

We were hanging out, as we usually do, at my house. I don’t even know how it came up, but LL3 said that he tests me everyday. He said it with a completely straight face, but I wasn’t sure what to make of it since a lot of things he says he claims as a joke. So after I asked him several times if he was joking he said that it was all in jest, which I didn’t believe at all.

I seized the opportunity and told him that I think he does test me. LL3 did not deny it, and instead told me that I test him too. I had to stop and think if I’ve ever given him a test. In reality, I guess I have, I’ve tested him to see how invested he is in the relationship for one. I invited him to go to Puerto Rico with me in January, an awfully long time away for two people who are just “dating,” not to mention a huge step couple-wise. After all, you don’t travel with someone you barely know unless you trust and like them. I will give it to LL3; he definitely passed that test especially considering he was blowing off a tradition of spending New Years with his family.

So, what did LL3 test me with? There were many ideas flying in my head but LL3 would not confirm nor deny any of them. All he would tell me is that there is a test that I fail every day. That left me a little flabbergasted as I struggled to piece all the memories together of any falling out that we may have had. I asked LL3 what the test was, and of course he refused. If he told me, than I would do it, and I guess that would defeat the purpose of a test. What I did manage to get out of him, is that the test takes place whenever I get inside his car.

Needless to say I haven’t figured it out, and I’m not sure I want to. Whatever it is that I’m not doing, it’s not me and I’m not going to change now. That’s the thing about being in a relationship with someone; you have to take them as they are. If you are not a reasonable partner and loving of someone despite their flaws, there is no future.