Every Man Has His Price

In my last relationship I was the categorical female who lets the guy pay for everything. Despite Ex’s menial funds, I was still taken care of. Admittedly, there was not a high cost for keeping me as a girlfriend. Most of the expenses involved take-out food and, occasionally a night out (which was rare). There were also the sporadic occasions where Ex would give me money, just because. I secretly loved those times, because he usually slipped it into my purse without my knowledge. So it was a great surprise to find a few twenties where there was once an empty wallet.

I don’t know how our relationship went from a give-give to a give-take. I can only presume that it started that way. Ex was courting me, and doing a good job flashing the dough. I guess it was because he had a job that paid him cash and he only reported a tenth of what he was making. He was living in a rent-controlled apartment based on his income, so you can imagine how little he was paying (under $100 a month). That extra cash flow led to exorbitant gifts for my birthday. And of course, the expensive dates like a night in a pricy hotel.

Still, I’m not the type of girl who just lets a guy pay for me all the time. I offered to pay my share and sometimes for both of us. Ex wouldn’t have it. Call him old-fashioned or maybe just trying hard to impress, but I got used to it. This continued despite my much higher pay, despite his ridiculous debt, and up until the end of our relationship. Ok, let me be honest, it continued even after we broke up. Call me shameless, but I always knew that if I went over his house, he would buy me dinner. I justified it somehow.

My relationship with LL3 is quite the role reversal. The first date or two he paid, but I always offered, and eventually I was pushy enough that I started to share the expenses. Whenever LL3 was trying to spend too much on me, i.e., trying to buy me expensive gifts like sneakers right away, I put my foot down. Sure, LL3 makes way more money than me, is a property owner, has in savings what I make in a year, and just got a promotion. However, there’s something different this time around.

At first I think I felt, unconsciously, that I needed to prove I wasn’t with him for his money. That I wasn’t one of those girls who are looking for a handout until the well runs dry. I’m an independent woman. I have my own money and can take care of myself. I’ve always liked buying things for people; it’s what makes me happy. This is like a new way of giving, if you will, and I know LL3 appreciates my generosity.

Beyond that initial reason, I think the difference is also reflective of our relationship and what we want out of it: longevity and equality. When you start out a relationship with the idea of equality in mind, it not only sets the tone for sharing in the future, but also contributes to the relationship’s long lasting appeal. By spending half the time and sharing the burden of costs, we are framing our relationship to last longer. And this doesn’t just apply to money.

When you think about it, every burden or cost that you share is a step towards a more solid foundation for a happier future. I’m not referring to shared bank accounts, but more like shared chores, shared driving responsibilities, shared time with your families etc.

This pattern that we have inadvertently initiated makes me feel a lot better for our prospects in the future. I may be spending more money now, than I did with Ex, but that only confirms that Ex and I were good in the short term. Spending money is a small price for a positive and long-term commitment.